Men's Room Etiquette

Breaking the rules: where possible, leave a one stall buffer. 

Image: dipity.com

This may be my masterpiece, my Atlas Shrugged - a discourse on the nature of a disturbing event and the errors I see with the current system.  I have had 5 solid years of contemplation on the subject and am ready to make it known. Wisdom and etiquette are, after all, a component of refinement. 

Nothing fills me with more anxiety or panic than a trip to the restroom of my 5th floor office - a place where all varieties of hot air converge, verbal and otherwise.  I'm not sure when it became appropriate to treat the men's room in a place of business as casually as a locker room at a neighborhood gym.  I'm not a fan of public bathrooms to begin with, preferring the silence and tranquility of private porcelain.  So as one might surmise, this distaste makes sharing a bathroom with the same people that I attend meetings with less than ideal.

I am always reminded of the hysterical scene from the under appreciated  Along Came Polly.  Ben Stiller's awkward everyman character Reuben Feffer enters the washroom of his employer, Indursky & Sons Insurance with his boss Stan Indursky, played to perfection by Alec Baldwin. After side-by-side urinal urination, a quacking rip from between his cheeks and a hefty zip of his trouser ravine, the suspender-clad Baldwin proceeds to stand uncomfortably close to his penis cradling employee rubbing his ear, massaging his shoulders and punctuating the trip with a healthy pat on the rump.  The sweaty close up on Stiller says it all.

Image: IGN movies

The vulnerability of a bathroom and attempts at camaraderie are not meant to co-exist.  All it takes is the first click of the push-button code lock to get my heart racing.  Who is this person about to enter what should be my fortress of solitude? Will it be a chatty urinal mate? The lingering hair primper? An obsessive oral hygenist?  What sort of mind numbing banal conversation will I have to engage in?

"Beautiful day out, isn't it?"

"Did you get that TPS report?"

"How was your weekend?"  

Or my recent favorite, "Happy hump day!"... never... EVER say hump in a men's bathroom - Rule #1.  In my head I am thinking "Please, I beg you, just shut your spew hole and let me release whatever it is I need to in peace!"  I like to think that part of being a gentleman is knowing when and where to keep your mouth closed.  This is one of those times.  All that is needed is a head nod if anything. Like every other part of the building, this is a place of business - keep the chit chat to a minimum.

In general this trek from my desk is an uncomfortable experience at best.  There really is no situation that allows for a pleasant outing.  Awkward silences or cumbersome conversation are only the tip of the iceberg.  During peak times and high traffic, its nearly impossible to find repose when nature calls.   One after another after another they enter - like pillaging orks.  Before you know it there is a full house. Trapped, either in dialogue or in a tiny stall, like a mouse on a glue sheet.  If stall ridden, gaping joints are a window inside your world.  The short door puts you on dispaly for all to see, distinguished shoes screaming from under the metal barrier... a leathey arrow of chaser lights revealing what the shiny door is supposed to hide. I hate that I crave unique shoes at this point.

In an attempt to teach as well as entertain I present the following rules.  There is an unwritten code that apparently has not been dispersed, so allow me to elaborate.  What is thought to be intuitive, apparently needs further explanation:

Talking: Easy - none.  A quick "hi" is allowed.  A "how's it going?" if you are entering or exiting at the same time. Save the rest for the lunchroom, where it will still be unwelcome but at least a more appropriate place for annoyances.

Stall usage: Simple - alternate.  If at all possible, one should never be next to another, especially in a seated position.  Based on size and allotment this can be tricky but efforts should be made to keep a one stall differential.  And if you sit down to pee you are a woman - be a man and stand up. Consider it an opportunity to display your rugged side.

Clothing: This is not your private master bath or a suite at the Bellagio.  No one should have to see your underwear.  Pants should remain on and around your waist in the presence of others.  You think I jest - ohh it happens.  Pants around the ankles at the urinal.  Belt and zipper open at the mirror.  This isn't fleet week, zip up and look presentable when emerging from your stainless steal tomb or after an about face from the hole in the wall. Period.

Loitering: Get in, and get out.  Although it might get hot and steamy in there, the Turkish baths are in Queens.  So fluff your chest hair, grab your gold chains and hop on the 7 train if you want to lounge.  Don't overstay your welcome.  If you are looking for a respite from your desk, might I suggest a leisurely walk or a trip to the snack machine?

Judgment: You will be critiqued.  Yes, all that transpires in the bathroom is normal to the human body.  However, everyone will know that you had 2 bran muffins and an x-large coffee this morning to expedite the cure for that PBR induced hangover and taco dinner from last night.  Just try to be discreet.  Be conscious of your TP dispenser rattle and two words: courtesy flush.  Lastly,  everyone notices when you skip the sink - EVERYONE.

Let this be a lesson and please digest the information deeply and wholly.  This is serious business and should be treated as such. Now go forth and spread the news.  Tell it on the mountain.  Evangelize... and practice what you preach.